Remember to go for runs again
I just near got ran down by a bus. While chasing said bus.
I miss missing you but I guess that part of me had died off a long time ago.
I remember calling you a big baby sometimes when you act like one but in hindsight I have also been pretty much like one.
I hope I’ll never have to see you cry again.
And I know that’s actually very possible for me.
Not because you’ll never have reason to cry ever again.
But because you’ll never bring yourself to show that side to me ever again.
It’s something I brought upon myself.
But it still leaves me dry and hollow inside.
I used to say I don’t regret things.
Not even the things I went through with and for Huixian.
But now I can’t say the same anymore.
skipping work less
but still not working on time
on those off days i lay on bed
and realise how comfortable i am now
as compared to then
doesnt discount how low i feel i am
like a minus
i also feel impossibly backed up
I feel like all those parts that weigh me down are dropping off.
I feel liberated.
Not having to concern myself with others.
all back on that train
i should like
use my salary to pay for the painkillers im taking so much of nowadays
like two pills every night
i dont have to answer to anyone
but the pills arent gonna replace themselves
You know what there’s not even a point in ranting here.
Not like anyone listens any fucking more.
People telling me I should stop hiding behind a mask.
People who get burned by the stuff I say without a mask.
What the fuck do you want.
An award for your high level hypocrisy?
JFC HELP ME.
GIVE ME A DAMN GUIDE TO WHAT YOU ALL WANT THEN.
JUST ADMIT THAT YOU ARE JUST INCAPABLE OF DEALING WITH ME AS I COME.
AND YOU NEED A DAMPENED VERSION OF IT.
NO YOU DON’T.
IN FACT, YOU DON’T KNOW ME.
DON’T FUCKING PULL WHAT YOU PULL ON YOURSELF ON ME.
YOU THINK IT’S UNINTENTIONAL? ALL THIS SHIT I PUT MYSELF AND OTHERS THROUGH?
YOU THINK YOU’RE THE ONLY SMARTARSE AROUND WHO CAN SEE IT?
IT’S OBVIOUS AS DAY AND GIVE YOURSELF 1 WEEK AND YOU’LL BECOME LIKE SHION ANYWAY.
FUCKING ASSHOLE JUST DECIDES TO BLIND HIMSELF TO ALL THIS BECAUSE HE CAN’T DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE.
PEOPLE FUCKING HURT AND I CAN’T HATE THEM.
FUCKING PRESSURE COOKER POINT.
it’s been some time since we talked
talked not in the sense of conversing points back and forth
not like questions and points and answers
not like shipping issues on cameras
i find this silly and hard to say
but i really miss talking to you
there are more than a hundred things i feel like raising up and asking
most of them i know the internal answer to
but i dont think thats what i need
sometimes when it seems like i put you as my second moral conscience
i really dont know what to say
its just a transitionary phase for me
whatever comes i accept
god i really feel like just deleting this whole post
(i rant on another place now)
((great job everyone))
lets just leave it as it is
i want to ask you for life advice
even though you’d think its stupid
not because it sucks to be alone
but because its never quiet for me
i heard that voice from the back of head
and its not the nicest voice around
i hate that voice
but it is something i must live with
i dont want to listen to it
but it promises strength in times of weakness
i know people change
but i dont want to change this way
voice at the back of my head
id yell get out
i used to
but it doesnt work
that voice is me
but i dont like me very much
so help me drown out that voice
I realised that maybe we have like, nothing in common.
Except one thing.
If not already, the
both of us are either sociopaths or psychopaths.
Then I think about it.
I’m the sociopath here.
I’m the real monster here.
You’re the opposite.
You’re just someone.
Someone who doesn’t want to be a monster.
Someone who wanted to offer a monster a chance.
But that monster blew it all up.
What a monster he was.
What a monster he is.