In The Early Morning March

I miss missing you but I guess that part of me had died off a long time ago.

I remember calling you a big baby sometimes when you act like one but in hindsight I have also been pretty much like one.

I hope I’ll never have to see you cry again.

And I know that’s actually very possible for me.

Not because you’ll never have reason to cry ever again.

But because you’ll never bring yourself to show that side to me ever again.

It’s something I brought upon myself.

But it still leaves me dry and hollow inside.

I used to say I don’t regret things.

Not even the things I went through with and for Huixian.

But now I can’t say the same anymore.

return to hypernormalcy

skipping work less

but still not working on time

always half-shift

on those off days i lay on bed

and realise how comfortable i am now

as compared to then

doesnt discount how low i feel i am

like a minus

i also feel impossibly backed up

shit

ping pong

all back on that train

of self-medication

holy

i should like

use my salary to pay for the painkillers im taking so much of nowadays

like two pills every night

nufjgklflffl

i dont have to answer to anyone

but the pills arent gonna replace themselves

n uighgurkfk

work more.

night.

You know what there’s not even a point in ranting here.

Fuck this.

Not like anyone listens any fucking more.

I’m dying.

People telling me I should stop hiding behind a mask.

People who get burned by the stuff I say without a mask.

What the fuck do you want.

An award for your high level hypocrisy?

JFC HELP ME.

GIVE ME A DAMN GUIDE TO WHAT YOU ALL WANT THEN.

JUST ADMIT THAT YOU ARE JUST INCAPABLE OF DEALING WITH ME AS I COME.

AND YOU NEED A DAMPENED VERSION OF IT.

YOU KNOW?

NO YOU DON’T.

IN FACT, YOU DON’T KNOW ME.

DON’T FUCKING PULL WHAT YOU PULL ON YOURSELF ON ME.

YEAH.

YOU THINK IT’S UNINTENTIONAL? ALL THIS SHIT I PUT MYSELF AND OTHERS THROUGH?

YOU THINK YOU’RE THE ONLY SMARTARSE AROUND WHO CAN SEE IT?

FUCK YOU.

IT’S OBVIOUS AS DAY AND GIVE YOURSELF 1 WEEK AND YOU’LL BECOME LIKE SHION ANYWAY.

FUCKING ASSHOLE JUST DECIDES TO BLIND HIMSELF TO ALL THIS BECAUSE HE CAN’T DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE.

PEOPLE FUCKING HURT AND I CAN’T HATE THEM.

FUCKING PRESSURE COOKER POINT.

long time of quiet

it’s been some time since we talked

talked not in the sense of conversing points back and forth

not like questions and points and answers

not like shipping issues on cameras

i find this silly and hard to say

but i really miss talking to you

there are more than a hundred things i feel like raising up and asking

most of them i know the internal answer to

but i dont think thats what i need

sometimes when it seems like i put you as my second moral conscience

i really dont know what to say

its just a transitionary phase for me

whatever comes i accept

god i really feel like just deleting this whole post

(i rant on another place now)

((great job everyone))

lets just leave it as it is

i  want to ask you for life advice

even though you’d think its stupid

i dont want to be left quiet

not because it sucks to be alone

but because its never quiet for me

i heard that voice from the back of head

and its not the nicest voice around

i hate that voice

but it is something i must live with

i dont want to listen to it

but it promises strength in times of weakness

i know people change

but i dont want to change this way

i just

want to

drown out

that

voice at the back of my head

id yell get out

i used to

but it doesnt work

that voice is me

but i dont like me very much

so help me drown out that voice

please

someone?

Paths

I realised that maybe we have like, nothing in common.

Except one thing.

If not already, the both of us are either sociopaths or psychopaths.

Chilling.

Then I think about it.

And realise.

I’m the sociopath here.

I’m the real monster here.

You’re the opposite.

You’re just someone.

Someone who doesn’t want to be a monster.

Someone who wanted to offer a monster a chance.

But that monster blew it all up.

What a monster he was.

What a monster he is.